The Waves...

Sometime dealing with the "waves", when they hit so unsuspectingly is the hardest part. It's been 31 months since my world came crashing down, my old world, life as I used to know it... So blissful, so naive, so different. I wanted those girls so much, and I think I will always want them. While I have since been blessed with another daughter, she is not a replacement. I know that some people think I will move on, or should move on now, after all I have a new baby, I have a "Happy Ending", they call her the miracle baby. While in many ways Olivia's being here is a miracle in all sense of the word "MIRACLE", she is my other daughter, I have three, she is the youngest of my four children. She is not a replacement, she does not erase my past, or any of the people in it.

So I go on, we go on as a family... a family of six, a man & wife, one son and three daughters. There is a difference in my days now... I have a baby to take care of, a 4 year old, I work from home and play full time mother. I have less time to think, less time to think about what happened, and who I lost. So at times, I find that time in songs... when you least expect it... I will tell you that in 31 months I have not cleaned the house yet, while listening to music, and not had a "moment" a word or a phrase in a song hits me, like a wave and allows me to think of them, miss them, cry for them. I have had a few struggles lately, with the word "complete". While I should say, my family is "complete", I just can't bring myself to say it because they are not here with us. It's those lazy Sunday mornings, when the four of us are playing around in bed, the cat lay there too, and then I almost say "the whole family is in bed", and before the words escape my mouth, I think of them... I like to think, that they are hanging out in our bedroom with us, smiling down upon us. Another thing, you start to deal with after the subsequent child is born... is if they were here this one would not be. We planned on 2 children.... we had Drew, and then we had a miscarriage... the miscarriage made it possible, for us to meet Kiersten & Brooklyn, and the loss of them made it possible for Olivia to enter our lives. Funny, but not so funny how my life seems like its where it's supposed to be right now.... I do feel the sense of completeness in our family of 6. While I never imagined or wanted to lose a child, or two, I feel like we are finally where we were meant to be - does that make sense? I have an amazing relationship, with my husband which was strengthened by our loss, I have a true feeling of gratefulness for my earth children Drew & Olivia, I have grown as a person in so many ways because of the two most precious little angel babies. So as grief goes, I will continue to feel waves, for the rest of my life... and sometimes I might write about them, or talk about them, but it's for me, not for others, not for pity, you don't even need to say anything... most people get to talk about their children every single day, and all the little things they do, but all I get to do is remember them, and remember things related to them, and for me that's OK now...