Hopefully Waiting...

I have been wanting to post something here for a while now, but I just did not have the courage and was just simply not ready for the world to hear our family news... I know very few people know what the past few months of Kevin & my life has been like, I feel now is as good as time as any to let you in - We are pregnant. Yes, it was very much planned. After delivering Kiersten & Brooklyn my doctor informed me that she did the type of c-section where I could in the future have a vaginal delivery - I remember looking right at her, and saying "Oh, I am not having any more children". And oh how I meant that at the time, and for a little while. How could I, how could I potentially take a chance at another loss? that would be crazy.... In the post delivery follow-up appointments, my doctor would casually bring up the topic of having more children, each time it got a little easier to say maybe, we will see, those kinds of comments. At our first H.U.G.S meeting (support group), we would meet so many wonderful people and hear about their subsequent children, I am pretty sure that every single family in the room had subsequent children. I looked up to them for strength, and thought well if they could do it, then certainly I could try. It did not take long, until I knew in my heart that I needed to give Drew a living sibling. To see the amount of love he had, for his 2 sisters that he never met, was unbelievable, I knew he was the bestest biggest brother there could ever be.... So we began trying, I am not going to go into details about that, but let's just say that with each pregnancy (keep in mind this is #4 for me - Drew, miscarriage, girls, and this kiddo) conceiving has become much more difficult. That did not last long, I decided that I could not do, simply could not take the chance of losing another child. Thats when we began hardcore investigating the adoption route. We finally selected an agency and country to work with, we began our Homestudy process. We were so excited, we planned to adopt a little girl from South Korea, while the wait was going to be long, we began thinking of names for her, and imagining our life as an adopted family. I even bought her a pair of Osh'Kosh overalls, and hung them on our bedroom wall, for me waking up every morning and seeing those overalls, my HOPE hanging on the wall, made getting out of bed each morning that much easier. It was not long into the homestudy process where things started so go south. I don't really want to talk alot about it here, but what I can say is that they put our family through what I feel was downright cruel, all in relation to us losing the girls. Let's just say that one of the questions they wanted the counselor to ask Drew was "How would you feel if your new sister dies". That was enough for Kevin & I, we ended the relationship with the agency and began to figure out how we would add onto our family. So long story short, that is how we came about this kiddo who is now growing inside of me. I am only 10 weeks along, but I can say its probably been the longest of my life. Before I became pg. I did not know how I would behave should I become pg. again. would I be relaxed, knowing that the outcome is obviously out of my control, or would I become a nervous freak... It took peeing on the stick , to figure out what type of subsequent pregnant lady I would be...NERVOUS, SCARED FREAK pretty much sums it up. Of course things could not go smoothly for me, that would be too much to ask for, I mean jeez, being pregnant 4 times, and only having 1 living child here with me was not enough. So early on the docs. would determine my progesterone levels were dropping, and that I had a subchorionic bleed (which is basically a bloodclot, the blood gets b/w the chorion and the wall), there is nothing that can be done about, and typically they subside and reabsorb or bleed out within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. For those of you who don't know, I had one with the girls as well, it was detected around 10 weeks, and did reabsorb itself. The doctors are not worried about it as so far it has not effected the baby's growth, or heartrate. And really we would not even know it was there without the ultrasound technology. I have a few precautionay restrictions but thats all. So yes, I am pregnant again, and scared as hell - each ultrasound I prepare myself for the "news" and lay there nervously until I hear that heartbeat or mention of, but I have to admit I am hopeful. I know now all the things that can go wrong, as its happened to me, and so many of my new found friends. Pregnancy is not blissful anymore, I do not take it for granted. I know that each day I have with this baby is a blessing, and I thank god for it every single day. I am going to try to update the blog after each doctor visit, so you all can stay informed on whats going on, and so I too have a journal for this little peanut when it arrives. I detail journaled with Drew, not at all with the girls and I so regret it, so I am not going to do that again. Today's Appointment: Todays appointment went well, I saw one of the doctors I primarily saw with the girls. I had not seen him since my last appointment with the girls. After the u/s he took a while to come into the room which was making me very nervous, I could not understand the delay, I was the first patient of the day. When he came into the room, it became clear why it took so long, he had been reviewing my chart and in great detail. He greeted me, and asked how I was feeling emotionally about this pregnancy. He had read up on my preconception meeting, and their recommendations, my clotting disorder, my meds, everything. He spent a while just talking with me and prepping me on how this pregnancy would be handled, and he even re-drew blood to check my levels for the clotting issue. I was definitly impressed and felt good when I left there. The bleed is still there, but the little kiddo is growing right along actually measuring 1 day ahead, the HB was 171, and it was wiggling around, I swear it even waved to me -yes, my eyes were totally filled with tears. So that's the update, I will continue to pray the bleed resolves and be thankful for this little baby.